Reasons to Date a T-Rex

[philosopher-rex.livejournal.com]

How T-Rex managed to commandeer such a tiny radio station (at least, tiny in proportion to him) was a mystery that would never be solved. But still, commandeer it he did, and he announced:

"Hey, dudes and ladies! It's me, T-Rex! Here, appropriately with a list of reasons to date a T-Rex. Any T-Rex, but especially me!

First reason: You will always get to be first in line for everything! Nobody will ever cut in front of a T-Rex. And if they do, I'll stomp them.

Second reason: T-Rex make the most fantastic kissers! I have a list of my ex-girlfriends you can call and ask if you doubt me.

Third reason: You know how having a big, strong lover makes some people feel safe and secure because their lover can always protect them? A T-Rex will make you feel protected like that, times fifty billion.

Fourth reason: You will never be starved for conversation! T-Rexes are the most interesting dinosaurs. Everyone knows that. So you will never be bored.

Fifth reason: T-Rexes don't have lawyers, so if you divorce them, you can probably get a sweet deal! And not have to lose half your stuff!

...Hey, wait. That's not so good for the T-Rex! Anyone know where I can find a lawyer?

Sixth reason: As the cooloest of the cool dinosaurs, T-Rexes know all the best 'hot spots' in the city! It makes the fact that T-Rexes like to say 'hot spots' in finger quotes all the time completely worth putting up with!

And there you have it! Oh, and anyone who wants to call in with their own reasons to date a T-Rex, feel free!"

Anyone who was expecting any sort of context, explanation or clarification for why he'd decided to do this was going to be sorely disappointed.

Comments

[perfect-karma.livejournal.com]

[She's calling in, but she doesn't bother to wait for a greeting before speaking]

It seems even a complete foolish fool of a foolsaurus is capable of grasping how inferior the lizard species is without the aid of attorneys.

[philosopher-rex.livejournal.com]

Does that mean if I ever get in a divorce, you'll be my lawyer?

[perfect-karma.livejournal.com]

Don't be foolishly absurd. A von Karma would never stoop so low as to be a defense attorney, especially in a civil matter.

If you really need an attorney, contact Phoenix Wright. He doesn't have any standards, and I'm certain he needs the money.

[philosopher-rex.livejournal.com]

Does he take invisible dollars? Because that's pretty much all I have.

[perfect-karma.livejournal.com]

I'm quite certain he does.

[philosopher-rex.livejournal.com]

That's great!

Are you going to be my ex-wife's attorney?

Notice how I didn't call her "my witch of an ex-wife" or accuse her of keeping me away from the kids or anything like that! This is both because that would perpetuate the stereotype of women being liars who trick men into marriage to get their money, and because avoiding such bitterness makes me look like a nice, sympathetic person that any hypothetical audience would root for rather than a jerk who deserves his comeuppance.

[perfect-karma.livejournal.com]

[Silence but for the curious sound made when a telephone speaker is repeatedly whipped]

[philosopher-rex.livejournal.com]

Um, hello?

Franziska, are you there?

Hello?

[chantinellie.livejournal.com]

(*Ellie is laughing so hard she can hardly put a sentence together, but finally manages*)

Hiiii, Rexxie. Great list! I would just like to add that T-rex's are absolutely impossible to ignore, so you'll never have any trouble catching a cab or flagging down a bus. *Pause for gigglefit* Also, if a stray brontosaurus happened by, not only would you be safe from getting stomped by it or your ornamental trees eaten, but hey! Steak for dinner!

[philosopher-rex.livejournal.com]

Hi, Ellie!

Exactly! I am so glad people here understand me! This is why T-Rex is a hit with the ladies~

[grumpy-sunshine.livejournal.com]

Just...okay, not that I've put a lot of thought into this or anything. But. Kissing. Do you even have lips?

Gods, why am I even making this call...?

[philosopher-rex.livejournal.com]

You're DARN TOOTIN' I have lips! And they are some of the best-kissin' lips there are!

...Wait, ignore that. Nobody says "darn tootin'", especially not me.

[grumpy-sunshine.livejournal.com]

...maybe cowboys in kid's books say it. So wait, does that mean you don't have lips? 'Cause I'd like to stand corrected here, but I'm confused.

[philosopher-rex.livejournal.com]

You do stand corrected! I have lips! But I do not say "darn tootin'!"

...Wait, do I have lips? Hang on, I have to examine myself in a mirror!

What's your name, nice lady? I don't think we've spoken before!

[grumpy-sunshine.livejournal.com]

Auditory hallucination. Got it. I'll wait. [thinks about asking if his arms can hold a mirror close enough to his mouth, but decides she's got enough on the table right now]

Uh, Rae Seddon. Sunshine to my friends. And we haven't met, but I've, um, seen you around. Stomping on things.

[alcoholit.livejournal.com]

Not to mention those eyes of yours, and the scales! Oh, your taste in scales, it's divine...

Isn't that reason enough? *dreamy sigh through suppressed snickering*