Newspaper!

[caycep]

[Mailed to every resident of the park, the paper consists of a few sheets of standard letter-sized paper stapled together, typed up on an old IBM Selectric. The banner is hand-lettered.]

The Disneyland Omnivore

Vol. 1, Issue 1

Featuring:

• Greetings from the Editor
  
• Exploring the Monorail
• Keeping busy in gaol at Disneyland
• Current Park Census
• Announcements

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Greetings from the Editor
Cayce Pollard

Hello everyone -- I'm pleased to present the first issue of The Disneyland Omnivore! I'd like to thank Calvin teh Bold, Knight of the Realm, and his good friend Hobbes for their title suggestion, which inspired the title we ultimately chose.

As with this issue, future publication dates will coincide with the full moon. In the event that the colume volume of news demands it, we'll start publishing on both new and full moons. We welcome content from all, so if you have an idea or a story, feel free to pitch it to me anytime.

Also, pelase forgive any typos and scratchouts. I'm composing this on an old IBM Selectric typerwiter that I found in a storage closet; there's no delete key and  no whiteout. If anyone finds a computer printer anywhere in the park, I'll be forever in your debt.

Thanks, and enjoy the paper!

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Exploring the Monorail
Cayce Pollard

The Monorail has held forth both the promise of escape and the threat of expulsion for the residents of the park. Now, some of its mysteries have been revealed, but in turn, more questions have been raised.

Foristiwhirl Skaffen-Amtiskaw Handrahen Dran Easpyou, a drone-citizen of the interstellar civilization known as The Culture, recently led an expedition to study the Monorail.

"Once we had determined that inanimate objects would simply be removed from the park, there was nothing for it but to go on board ourselves," Skaffen-Amtiskaw said. "Which I conced was either very brave or very foolish, but you must understand, we were quite desperate."

Skaffen-Amtiskaw's team consisted of Leon Orcot, Sirius Black, Phillip, Psyche, and Capt. Carrot Ironfoundersson. Skaffen-Amtiskaw, Psyche, and Ironfoundersson eventually boarded the Monorail themslves.

"Once we boarded the train, the doors closed automatically and the train pulled out of the station," Skaffen-Amriskaw said. "Everything seeme dquite normal, but then my sensors went momentarily offline. Ms Psyche and Captain Ironfoundersson report seeing a flash of white light. And then we found ourselves pulling into the station again."

Skaffen-Amtiskaw commended Psyche and Ironfoundersson for their bravery in accompanying it on the train. "For all we knew, we could have all vanished into nothingness. The hope that we might have found ourselves home again was but a thin one, and I'm grateful to them for coming with me."

With the Monorail ruled out as a means of escape, what remains unknown is where those banished by to the Monorail find themselves. Also unknown is how the system differentiates between those who have been banished and those who are retruned.

Skaffen-Amtiskaw reiterated that he hasn't given up trying to find a way out. "There must be a way. And I won't rest until I find it."

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Keeping busy in gaol at Disneyland
Anthony Crowley

So, you've been stuck here for a while but it feels like eternity because you're bored out of your tiny minds but not bright enough to figure out what to do on your own. Once you've ridden all the rides, or more sensibly not ridden them, how will you spend your time?

For the athletic/outdoor type:

• swimming
• canoing
• organize the 'Disneyland Olympic Games' complete with ridiculous logo and a false spirit of brotherhood that's supposed to supersede the fact that you're trying to wipe the floor with the other team/country
• car races with the Autopia cars – touch the black one and I will not hesitate to set you on fire
• climbing the various mountains
• someone set up what looks like some kind of three sided basketball/football* court thing over by Space Mountain – who knows what it's for, but finding out will kill some time

For the intellectual set:

• figure out what the hell is going on
• write
• Ezra Fell, John Adams, and Susan Sto Helit appear to be putting together a Salon for tea drinking and intelligent conversation...
• research the history of the park and its inhabitants
• anthropologists should get on the stick – people from all sorts of societies grouping together to form a new one here
• work for the paper

For the pseudo-artists:

• put on a play – Mr. Fell has Shakespeare if nothing else – and you'll entertain the rest of us whether it's good or bad; I recommend Titus Andronicus
• try out your mime skills on Main Street; we can use the shooting practice
• same goes for jugglers and magicians
• put together a band – if it doesn't suck too badly, I might let you play at the club
• sidewalk chalk drawing competition a la Mary Poppins
• open mic night

For the wankers, losers, idiots, and everyone else:

• join the entirely ineffectual “police force” and pretend you, too, have the authority to do something
• test the theory that you can't die here
• eating contests
• talk to the new arrivals
• start a new government and/or economy
• have lots and lots of sex, just visit the men's room first and stock up on rubbers - we don't want more of you here

*Note for Americans and other aliens: Football is the sport you know as soccer. It's not the “sport” that you all have where large men wearing padding attempt to knock over and lie on top of other large men in padding before touching each others' arses.

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Current Park Census

(Cayce's Census)
If you have any updates to the park census, please mail Cayce Pollard.

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Announcements

The New Disneyland Police Force/Watch/whatever the fuck you call it in your world is now accepting new recruits. If someone's interested in joining, please contact either Chief Leon Orcot or Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson.