She was special. She was more special than she knew. Outside of the rock of Aziraphale, she was the person he cared the most about in the world, which was why it hurt so badly to learn that he wasn't that to her. He should have listened to the qualifier when she'd said, your friendship is one of the most important things I've got going here, but he was too busy with the catalyst of his real feelings for her to worry about the effects of them. He'd not make that mistake again.
That Cayce might have enough affection, or different kinds of affection for him and John wasn't something that ever crossed his mind. Crowley simply couldn't have understood. He'd just felt sick and used, watching them tumble around on the ground together. For a being over six thousand years old, he had the emotional understanding of a boy of fourteen, sophisticated polish and gift of mimicry notwithstanding.
For the briefest moment, the demon wanted to be that person she wanted him to be, but he knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that he wasn't and never could be. The disappointment in her eyes was achingly familiar and he understood then, in a way he never had before, that he would never find the unconditional approval he'd always craved. Perhaps that was a part of his punishment, too. But it was freeing in a way. If you were resigned to that fate - if you didn't care about people* - it was much easier to say goodbye.
"Guess so," Crowley managed and limped ungracefully to the door. He wondered how drunk he could get before Aziraphale stopped him.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2007-11-20 06:33 am (UTC)That Cayce might have enough affection, or different kinds of affection for him and John wasn't something that ever crossed his mind. Crowley simply couldn't have understood. He'd just felt sick and used, watching them tumble around on the ground together. For a being over six thousand years old, he had the emotional understanding of a boy of fourteen, sophisticated polish and gift of mimicry notwithstanding.
For the briefest moment, the demon wanted to be that person she wanted him to be, but he knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that he wasn't and never could be. The disappointment in her eyes was achingly familiar and he understood then, in a way he never had before, that he would never find the unconditional approval he'd always craved. Perhaps that was a part of his punishment, too. But it was freeing in a way. If you were resigned to that fate - if you didn't care about people* - it was much easier to say goodbye.
"Guess so," Crowley managed and limped ungracefully to the door. He wondered how drunk he could get before Aziraphale stopped him.
*A major failing in a demon.